In my early 20s, I started preparing for a court case. I wanted to stand up in front of a court of law and get justice for wrongs against me. I never got that opportunity, due to a smorgasbord of problematic institutions and individuals.
However, the prep work was done. And I was good at it. Because I am an educator. If you’re an educator, like me, you know that we rarely blame a student for not understanding a lesson. It happens, but it’s rare. We see ourselves as capable of teaching from multiple perspective, angles, and strategies. If a student doesn’t understand, we bear the burden of adapting our communication styles.
I have found myself living the life of an explainer. And what I have realized is that my early adult experience of preparing to be on a literal witness stand merged with my background in education and the result was a false responsibility for helping others “get it.” Whatever “it” may be.
That responsibility isn’t serving me. Does this mean I have to step outside of education? No. Does it mean I never am going to explain something again? Absolutely not. It’s actually quite fun to help people understand, most of the time.
What it DOES mean is that I am practicing recognizing when I feel like I’m on a witness stand and then stepping off of it.
Because living with the expectation of being judged hurts. It hurts when people are NOT judging me, because I carry a latent guilt for any communication error I see and I am constantly wondering when I have to justify myself next. And it hurts when people ARE judging me, because I end up using a skillset that I developed for a very specific purpose, outside of that purpose.
What I have been practicing, with the strategic help of my therapist and the support my friends and family, is REFUSING to step into a witness stand just because I think someone is judging me. I don’t owe an explanation to third parties.
Does that mean I’m not open to feedback? Nope. Does it mean I am never going to share information on my actions? No. Does it mean I’m going to live a life of solitude and let people think what they will like I’m the broody single white male in some sort of late 1800s novel? Of course not.
It means I can release the tension in my body, put my energy into other things by holding other people accountable for their actions and opinions. I’ll say that again. Other people are responsible for their opinions.
I believe that the people who respond negatively to this behavior have trouble with boundary setting. Perhaps the fact that they so quickly condemn me is evidence that they have been taking my explanatory nature for granted all along.
As I discussed in my last post, I am a helpful soul. But I am not a boundary — less soul. If you can’t appreciate my silence, do your own quiet reflective work, or understand human behavior enough to give me any grace; I find that disappointing. But I know how to be disappointed well enough not to chase you down and beg you to behave in a less disappointing way. You can do your own work. And if you need help, humanity is wide. I’m sure someone besides me can explain it to you. In fact, I bet they already have and you’re not listening.
High — functioning “explainers” like myself rarely experience judgement. But it happens. When it happens, I do not disappoint MYSELF, and that is enough.
Anna Westbrook
AnnaWestbrook.com
IsabelandtheRunawayTrain.org